This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
