dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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