her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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