and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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