I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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