Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
