How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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