We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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