Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
