Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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