You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
