What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
