She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
