Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
