I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
