Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
God I need to hump something, right now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
