Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
