I just gift wrapped bread.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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