I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
