Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
