I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
