Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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