its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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