his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she told me i tasted like america
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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