how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think I just shit out all my problems.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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