apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is my gift to your gina
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I need a beard to bite.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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