im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
