He uses pillows to masturbate.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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