Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
