I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Where is the hickey?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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