I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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