My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The power of my boobs compel you
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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