A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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