I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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