her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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