I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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