Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
