this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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