i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
