I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
