She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
