I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
