I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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