I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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