I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
