You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
