Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
