Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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