i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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