You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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